


A Lifetime of Hurt, A Moment of Comfort

by adevinecomedy



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Alcohol, Anal Fingering, Cunnilingus, Depression, Drinking, Drunk Confession, Drunk Phone Call, F/M, Femdom, Hand Jobs, Happy Ending, Healing, Hurt/Comfort, Light BDSM, M/M, Misunderstandings, Nipple Play, Pain, Punishment, Redemption, Self harm through sex, Threesome - F/F/M, Vaginal Sex, feelings of worthlessness, guided masturbation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-09
Updated: 2020-02-09
Packaged: 2021-02-27 22:41:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,851
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22583479
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/adevinecomedy/pseuds/adevinecomedy
Summary: Throughout the millennia, Crowley has punished himself through meaningless sex and allowing himself to be used and abused.Eventually, he opens up to Aziraphale about his feelings after drinking with him one night. Aziraphale offers forgiveness and tenderness that Crowley is uncertain he is deserving of.Amazing artwork included below by Ryoukon here on AO3, check them out here and on all of their social media!Part of the Good Omens Big Bang 2019.
Relationships: Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens), Crowley (Good Omens)/Original Male Character(s), Crowley/Original Female Character(s) (Good Omens)
Comments: 6
Kudos: 154
Collections: Good Omens Big Bang 2019





	A Lifetime of Hurt, A Moment of Comfort

**Author's Note:**

> I can't believe I've been writing on this since August, and it is my longest fic I've written to date. I hope everyone enjoys it, it's my first real swing at hurt/comfort so hopefully I managed to pull it off ^^;
> 
> Please note that there is NSFW artwork embedded in the fic, just in case you happen to be reading in public ;)

It was always the same, no one ever stayed. These humans always showed up, did their business, and left. Not even a word of thanks or acknowledgement. He supposed that was probably better than the alternative though, a human who clung on too long. They would age and die, while he stayed forever the same. 

He laid in the messy bed of the rented room and thought to himself. 

_They could at least say thank you._

Crowley stretched and rearranged himself to get more comfortable in the tangle of sheets and pillows. With a quick snap, he miracled away the sticky mess left by his most recent encounter. It really didn’t matter — men, women, the era, or the place— when it came to sex Crowley rarely, if ever, found any satisfaction. 

There had been a few lovely encounters over the millennia, a few when he was living life as a woman in the early 20th century, a few when he wore a man's skin in Greece during the classical era came to mind. However, these were so fleeting and barely held a candle to the number of less wonderful times. The downright _bad_ times. 

A small shudder ran through Crowley as he curled inward on himself in the bed. He didn’t like thinking about those times, but they always seemed to bubble back up to the surface. Just like his fall, ever present and waiting in the back of his mind to pounce and convince him that he needed to serve his penance through sacrifice of his flesh. 

The bad times were much more frequent and violent when he was living his life in a female presenting body, or if he chose to enjoy men when living in a male presenting one. The number of times he had barely escaped discorporation were too many to count. 

He didn’t like being quiet with his thoughts like this. Perhaps it was time to grab some drinks and try for another companion for the night. Something to help distract him from the noisy thoughts in his head. It was still early yet, and maybe this one wouldn’t leave him lying in a pool of their bodily fluids without so much as a sideways glance on their way out the door. 

Crowley rolled out of the bed and miracled his clothing into place. He decided to stay with his usual male presence that he had grown more accustomed to in recent years. Maybe instead of going for another man tonight, he’d have a try for a young lady. Yes, that seemed a much nicer plan.

He sauntered out of the hotel room and down to where he had left the Bentley. 

_At least this is one thing in my life that won't leave me._ Crowley thought to himself as he climbed into the car and drove to the nearest bar he could find. 

The bar was a dive to say the least. The kind with sticky floors, sticky tables, sticky everything. It was a filthy place that probably hadn’t been cleaned since it was new. The perfect place to pick up a person for the evening. Crowley sauntered up to the bar and flagged down the bartender for a drink. 

“Give me anything drinkable you’ve got.”

The bartender poured a beer and slid it across the bar to Crowley. 

“Are you starting a tab, or will that be it?”

“Start me a tab, love. Might be here for a while and need to keep my whistle wet.” Crowley gave the bartender a wink before walking across the bar and settling himself into a booth in the corner.

It was still rather early in the evening, so the room was fairly devoid of patrons. Crowley sipped his beer and let his eyes drift over the handful of people milling about. There was a small group of men at the counter, obviously regulars, he scanned the room and his gaze shifted to the booths opposite. Only a few were occupied, a pair of women sat talking quietly in one, and an elderly man sat alone in another. 

Crowley discreetly watched the women. Both were fairly young, in their early 30s at the oldest. Not hard on the eyes either by Crowley’s current standards, could be worth the effort to take one of them back to the hotel. Or perhaps both of them if he played his cards right. One was blonde and all curves while the other, a redhead, was more slight and petite.

He grabbed his drink and made his way over to where the women were sitting and tried his luck.

“Hello ladies, might I buy you both a drink?” He poured ever ounce of demonic charm he could into the question.

He watched as the women glanced at each other, having a silent conversation he was not privy to. Finally the blonde women addressed him. 

“Alright, I’ll have a gin and tonic and she’ll have a martini.”

Crowley gave a nod and made his way over to the bar to order the drinks, as well as grab another for himself. 

After chatting with the bartender a bit more, he gathered all three drinks and made his way back to the table. Setting the drinks down in front of their respective owners, he settled into a seat opposite the women.

“So, what brings the both of you to this particular dive at this time of day?” Crowley asked, figuring finding something mundane to discuss would help put them at ease. He had spent far too many years in the past wearing a woman’s skin and knew all too well the dangers they could face. In this case, he was far more interested in hurting himself and drowning out the static in his brain with this encounter, not hurting or tempting them with manipulations.

The two exchanged glances once again. _Ah, yes, another conversation I’m unwelcome in, I understand._ He thought to himself.

The blonde turned back to him and answered, “Just having a nice drink after work and playing catch-up, as you do. What brings you here mister --?” She trailed off with the obvious question of what his name is hanging in the air.

A small streak of discomfort surged up his spine. _Names. They always wanted names. Not that it matters. I don’t even want to know theirs, just a simple transaction and get it over with._ He smiled at them as his brain worked overtime with panicky complaints over human customs of courting.

“Crowley, pleasure to meet you.”

“Mr. Crowley, I’m Beatrice and this is Amy. The pleasure is all ours.” Beatrice waved over to the redhead who now had the name Amy attached to her.

Crowley sighed inwardly. He really hadn't wanted to know their names, it always made forgetting them afterwards so much more difficult. In for a penny, in for a pound he supposed, might as well speed things along. Either they would accept his proposition, or he could move on to some other willing humans.

“So are you girls looking for a fun time tonight? Having the company of two lovely ladies such as yourselves for the evening would certainly lighten my spirits.” He flashed them the most devilish smile he could muster. 

Amy gave a giggle and hid behind her drink, while Beatrice gave him a long calculating stare. 

“Oh, I doubt you could handle us. We like things a bit _unconventional_.” Beatrice said while sizing Crowley up from across the table. 

“Unconventional, hm? Try me, I doubt you have any idea of what that word even truly means.” Through little more than tone of voice, Crowley rose to her challenge and parried with one of his own. It looked as though he would be getting just what he needed out of the night after all.

They finished their drinks making progressively more lewd small talk. 

“Well, our drinks are done, should we be heading out then?” Crowley asked after he finished draining his glass.

“I suppose we should, why don’t you go pay the bill and we’ll gather up our things.” Beatrice replied.

Crowley nodded and rose from his chair, making his way to the bar to pay the tab while Beatrice and Amy packed themselves up. Finishing the transaction, Crowley made his way back to the pair adding a bit of extra sway into his hips as he crossed the room. With a woman on either side, he placed a hand on the small of each of their backs, leading them out to the Bentley. 

In short order they were arriving at the hotel room he had rented. He preferred having a room so that the humans he had these encounters with couldn’t trace him back to his flat. Not that any of them ever seemed inclined to do so, but no sense in taking the chance and then having to waste energy on miracles to keep them away.

He also liked the privacy that having a rented room afforded him. It meant that he didn’t have to worry about the agents of hell showing up on his doorstep, or Aziraphale ringing or popping by unannounced. These sessions were for him, not for the prying eyes of other supernatural beings. 

The hotel was a fairly standard mid-range place. Crowley wanted to be comfortable and didn’t really like the message a seedy motel gave to his chosen activities, or his reputation for that matter. He parked the car and held the door open for Beatrice and Amy, helping them out and over to the hotel room door. He was a gentle-demon after all.

The room was sparsely furnished and held a large king size bed in the center, with a small sitting area containing a single chair and small table off to the side. Perfect for fitting the three of them with extra room for sprawled out limbs.

With a snap, the side table was stocked with condoms and lube, for good measure. Crowley wasn’t certain that demons could contract human diseases, but it was better safe than sorry. Placing the _Do Not Disturb_ sign on the outside of the door handle and closing the door, he made his way over to Beatrice. He caught the blonde in a deep kiss while giving the redhead a light push to topple her over onto the bed.

Beatrice caught his hips and broke the kiss. “Oh no, I don’t think you’re going to be the one in charge tonight mister. We’re going to be the ones calling the shots.”

Crowley gave a shrug. It was fine by him, and he certainly didn’t mind a bit of roughing up, it made his punishment all the more fitting. Beatrice pushed Crowley onto the bed alongside Amy, who quickly pressed herself against his side. 

“Are you aware of the color system? Green for good to go, yellow for slow down, and red for stop?” Beatrice asked. 

Ah, so it was going to be one of those evenings. Well, at least they had the color system in place, it was more than he could say for some of his past partners. 

“Yes, I’m very familiar. So then, what’s on the menu tonight? Besides me, of course. I don’t have any hard or fast limits.” Crowley offered. Anything to speed this process up and get them on their way.

It was true that, as a demon, limits were not part of his vocabulary. Temptation was an often dirty business that one couldn’t be squeamish about. Beatrice gave a glance to Amy who returned her look with a shrug. 

“Alright, make sure you use your words if you need to, I’ll check in every now and then.” Beatrice set her bag down on the little table by the chair. She carefully stripped out of her coat and dress to reveal a lovely corset-panty-garter combination.

“Strip, the both of you.” Beatrice addressed Crowley and Amy with an air of authority. Amy stood and quickly began to neatly strip out of her layers with a quick and quiet “yes, mistress.” 

Crowley could see where this was headed and how it was going to play out. An interesting pair that he managed to stumble on for the night, that was sure.

He gave a sideways glance as he stood and slowly began removing his jacket. “So, you two do this often then?” he asked as he moved on to removing his shirt and carefully toeing out of his shoes.

“Just on weekends.” Amy teased, but quickly fell silent when she caught Beatrice’s eye. Amy quickly finished stripping and neatly placed her clothes folded onto the night stand next to the condoms and lube.

“Little help here? These trousers are dreadfully tight and a bit hard to get out of.” Crowley had the fly open, and wiggled his hips slightly at the two women.

“Amy, help him out of his trousers.” Beatrice pulled the chair more in line with the bed and made herself comfortable.

Meanwhile, Amy gave Crowley a shove onto the bed and helped him to wiggle out of his tight leather prison. 

He had made the effort to have a lovely cock for the evening and it sprung to life a bit as Amy removed the leather trousers. Thick and average in length, it seemed to be the right shape and size to please most of the humans he encountered. Now completely nude, he waited for Beatrice to give some instructions as to what he was to do. She eyed him up and down from her place in the chair with a look of contemplation on her face. 

“Come here, pet.” She held out her hand and Amy quickly came to her side and grasped the offered hand. Beatrice gave Amy a quick kiss before addressing Crowley. 

“Why don’t you give us a little show, hm? Touch yourself slowly.” With the order issued, she pulled Amy into her lap and watched from where she was stationed. 

Crowley suddenly felt extremely exposed. He certainly hadn’t expected to be the one called upon to perform. This must be what it was like, being caught unprepared in class when the teacher calls on you, jarring and unsettling. 

He placed his hands on his chest and slowly began to play with his nipples. Gently, he pinched at each one in turn until they were stiff peaks. Then, as he slid his hands lower, a soft moan pulled him from his task and brought his attention to where the two women were sat. 

He saw Beatrice lavishing kisses and bites on Amy’s neck while cupping and playing with her breasts. Amy was already quickly becoming undone barely holding back little moans and panting. 

Crowley let his hands wander further down his body, teasing around his cock without touching it yet. He certainly wanted to enjoy this for a little while before he lost himself to his own pleasure. 

Beatrice seemed to be lost in Amy and the sounds she was making. One hand kept at fondling her breast, while the other traced down her body stroking and worshiping as she moved. She circled the heat of Amy’s pussy, teasing without giving her any purchase. 

“Well? Are you going to continue our show, or just sit and stare?” 

Crowley shook himself out of the trance he had been under when Beatrice addressed him and silently nodded. He took hold of his cock and slowly began to stroke. 

“That’s it, good boy. Show us how you like to be touched.” Beatrice quietly cooed from the chair as she sunk two fingers into Amy. Amy gave a loud moan as Beatrice began to slide her fingers in and out. 

Crowley let out a low moan of his own at the sight. He spread his legs a bit farther apart and fondled his balls while firmly stroking himself. 

Beatrice licked a strip of skin on Amy’s neck where it joined to her shoulder. In quick succession she placed her lips against the skin and began to suck, leaving marks up and down the side of Amy’s neck. 

Crowley’s mind was fogging with sensation as he stroked himself and watched the two women. He was about to miracle some lube so he could get his fingers going inside of himself and then thought better of it with the two watching. Instead, he went to get up to retrieve the bottle from the night stand when he heard a sharp clearing of a throat across the room.

“And where do you think you’re going?” Beatrice asked, pausing in her actions with Amy. 

“I, uh, was just going to, um, grab the… the lube…” he trailed off. He saw how Beatrice raised her eyebrow in his direction and he gave a little cough before quietly adding “uhm, mistress…?”

“Next time you need to ask permission first, do you understand?” She pinned him to the spot with a stare. 

“Yes mistress, may I grab the lube?” He asked without budging an inch from the edge of the bed. 

“Be quick about it.” Beatrice stated before returning to marking up Amy’s neck.

Crowley quickly moved to the night stand and grabbed the bottle, then he was back on his spot on the bed, spreading his legs and coating his fingers in lube. He let his hand drift back down to his balls and cupped them slightly as he ran his fingers down to his hole, massaging the lube into his ass as he slowly circled with one finger. 

Out of the corner of his eye he noticed that Beatrice’s movements had stopped and that both she and Amy were watching him intently. They were taking in every one of his movements as he slowly slipped a finger into his ass as he continued to gently stroke his cock with his other hand. A small moan escaped his lips as he probed his inner walls with his finger, warming to the added sensations as he watched the women watch him. This was something he hadn’t done in quite a long time. Usually humans were much more active participants, or at least the ones he generally took to bed were. They would satisfy their pleasures with his body and then leave, whereas this was more like putting on a show. He may have to ask some permissions for things, but he was definitely the one in control now as they watched him. 

He allowed himself to slip into feeling the sensations and closed his eyes as he added a second finger. If they wanted a show, he would hate to disappoint. He hooked his fingers inside, searching to find the right spot to apply some pressure. Toying with the head of his cock, he pushed his fingers deeper inside. A small moan escaped his lips as he found just the right place inside of himself. He applied steady pressure to his prostate as he took his entire length into his fist. He began to rhythmically pump his cock, rocking against his fingers as he kept them buried into that delicious bundle of nerves. 

“Stop and place your hands flat on the bed.” 

The words ripped through him, causing his eyes to snap open. He definitely did not want to stop, he had found just the right position and speed.

“Do we need to restrain you? You were told to stop.” Beatrice’s voice was ice in that moment, and while Crowley was tempted to push and see where it would lead, he reluctantly removed his hands and placed them at his sides on the bed.

“You have two ladies to satisfy tonight don’t forget, it wouldn’t do to have you come too soon.” Beatrice was sliding Amy off of her lap as she moved to stand. 

Beatrice strolled casually to the end of the bed and took all of Crowley in. It made him feel suddenly exposed lying there waiting to be told what to do. He wasn’t certain whether it made him feel more aroused, or if it made him want to squirm in discomfort under her gaze. 

“Have you already cleaned yourself out?” She inquired while reaching out and stroking his thigh. 

“Ngk… I… yes, earlier.” Crowley could feel a blush rising and coating his cheeks.

“Good good, that saves us some time then. Amy, fetch the dental dams from my bag will you? Roll over.” 

Crowley stared at Beatrice for a moment slowly realizing her plans, proceeding to scoot up a bit farther onto the bed and roll onto his stomach.

“You’re still not to come unless you’re given permission. Try not to hump the bed, hm?” Amy appeared at Beatrice’s side with an assortment of foil wrappers. 

“Oh, and while you’re on your stomach, you might as well give Amy a good time so that the poor thing isn’t stuck sitting and watching. Go sit at the head of the bed honey.” Amy grabbed a foil package and made her way to the head of the bed. 

“Color Crowley?” Beatrice asked as she began unwrapping a dental dam. He felt a bit awkward with the efficiency these two women seemed to have in this situation.

“Mm, ah, green, yea. Good to go.” He couldn’t help but ramble a bit, lost in his thoughts for the moment. 

“Alright, make sure you let me know if that changes. Go ahead and get started on Amy.” Beatrice settled herself on the bed between his legs. 

Crowley looked at where Amy had settled herself against the headboard, surrounded by pillows. She had her legs spread in a relaxed manner with a dental dam draped across her pussy. Crowley had to respect that these ladies took their protection very seriously. 

He moved into her space and placed a kiss on her inner thigh. He could hear the soft intake of breath from Amy as his lips made connection with her warm skin. He slid his hands up, under her thighs, and gripped her waist as he continued to pepper kisses on her inner thighs. As he continued his ministrations, he felt Beatrice stroking his lower back. 

The sound of a foil wrapper being torn open, and hands spreading him open caused him to pause for a moment, distracted by the new sensations. He felt Amy stroke a hand through his hair, bringing his attention back to what his mouth was supposed to be doing. Using his whole tongue, he licked a wide strip up the dental dam focusing on Amy’s sensitive clit. She shuddered and snapped her thighs shut around his head. This wasn’t the reaction he was expecting at all, and reeled a bit from the sudden pressure that encompassed his head and face. It was certainly a good thing that he didn’t need to breathe. 

Adjusting slightly, Crowley pulled Amy’s thighs apart and pinned them to the bed. With her secured to the bed with his body weight, he began to eat her in earnest, lapping circles around her clit before sucking and applying steady pressure with his lips. She gave a small squeal and pulled on his hair, urging him on. 

Crowley gave a small gasp against Amy as he felt a probing sensation behind him. He was still quite open from his earlier encounter that day, but he hadn’t been expecting fingers wrapped in latex to be pressing against his entrance. He leaned back into the sensation dragging Amy down the bed with him as he continued to suck on her clit. 

“I take it you like this then.” Beatrice purred from behind him. He gave an affirmative moan, trying to urge her to touch him further as he massaged Amy’s thighs. He could feel Beatrice’s fingers begin to slowly pump in and out of his hole just shy of that spot that would help push him towards his limits. The sensation was delicious and he redoubled his efforts in pleasing Amy. She was writhing under him and panting heavily now. He realized she must be close, but he wasn’t certain if he should slow down, or push her over the edge. 

Beatrice removed her fingers and discarded the used latex in the bin and quickly retrieved another. “Alright, you’ve been so good for us, and it really is getting late. You can have your fun fucking Amy so long as you use that lovely mouth on me.” she said as she moved to get on the bed. 

Crowley finally came up for air, and gave Amy a break from his mouth. “How do you want me, I do so live to please _mistress_ ” he couldn’t help but turn the demonic charm up to 11 at this point, with a bit of sarcasm for good measure. He was growing a bit tired of this encounter and was happy to get on with it. 

“On your back.” Beatrice crawled past him a bit to give Amy a kiss on the cheek and check in with how she was doing. After that, she shimmied back down and applied the condom to Crowley’s cock. Amy crawled down the bed and straddled Crowley’s hips as Beatrice held him firmly in her hand. 

“Ready?” she asked all involved. 

“Yes mistress.” Amy replied heatedly. Crowley gave a simple nod and an affirmative groan. 

Beatrice positioned him at Amy’s entrance as she slid down and met his hips with hers. She began to slowly grind on his hips giving small rhythmic moans as she went. 

Beatrice retrieved a new dental dam and draped it across Crowley’s mouth. “You’ll probably have to use your hands up here to keep that in place.” she said as she straddled his face. 

With that, he now had two women on top of him taking their pleasure. The haze of hormones and the sounds of moaning helped to distract him from all that was wrong in his life at the moment. He thought of nothing, and only felt the warm tingling of his own orgasm building as the two humans he was engaging with writhed and used him to reach their own peaks. 

As soon as it had started, it seemed to be ending. All three managed to reach their peaks, and next he knew Amy and Beatrice were cleaning themselves up. They thanked him for a lovely time, and he offered to call them a cab for wherever they needed to go. They declined sweetly, as they had one of these new apps where someone would come and pick them up. He saw them to the door and wished them safe travels and a good rest of their night and locked the door behind them. Making his way back into the room alone, he collapsed onto the bed.

Crowley held himself there on the bed in the empty room. He felt...hollow, as if everything that he was and everything he had ever known had abandoned him. A tear fell from his eye and made its way down his cheek to pool on the sheet below. 

“Why does this never work…?” he whispered quietly to himself. He didn’t know what he had expected, he had been at this for so many centuries at this point. Somehow he still expected it to be different, to fill that void in his heart left by…

He shook his head, he didn’t want to think about that. That was the one thing that he was trying to block out, the extra noise in his head that was Aziraphale. It was bad enough that they had their regular little meetings. Fortunately they had been fairly infrequent, and he was able to avoid the angel for the most part. For the sake of his sanity, he hoped that this wouldn’t change terribly much as time continued on. He wasn’t certain he could bring himself to face the angel more often than he currently did as it was.

The angel had no idea how he felt anyways. He was always completely oblivious to how Crowley felt, and the few times Crowley had managed to put words to his feelings the response had not been good. 

_You go too fast for me Crowley_ rung in his ears and haunted his dreams. After that moment he had been avoiding Aziraphale as much as he could while simultaneously throwing himself at every human that would let him into their bed. It helped to quiet his mind and take it away from the angel and the rest of the world for a time. Recently though, he had been having to go out and find more humans with rougher tendencies to help occupy him and crowd Aziraphale from his thoughts. 

It was nearly daylight and the room was only paid up for a while longer. He needed to gather his things and check out. He wiped the tears from his eyes and miracled his clothes back on while also sending away the condoms and lube from the nights earlier activities. 

He settled the bill with the front desk, then climbed into the Bentley and drove back to his flat. Stumbling in through the front door, it hit him that he really needed to bathe and get clean. He tossed his coat onto the couch as he moved through the flat towards the bathroom. 

Once there, he drew himself the hottest bath he could manage with his taps. He quickly rid himself of his clothes and sank low into the water, doing everything he could to relax himself. The evening had left him tense and on edge, as it usually did after these encounters. He just wanted to forget, yet no matter how much he tried it seemed like he was getting less adept at blocking out the emptiness that clung to him after each subsequent encounter. 

The sound of his phone ringing in his office drifted through the quiet flat and landed in his ears, it was his private line and he flatly ignored it. There were very few people who had that number, and one in particular that he really didn’t feel like talking to right now. He wasn’t sure he could take hearing his voice. The machine picked up and began recording the voice on the other end. 

“Ah, yes, well, hello dear boy. I hadn’t heard from you in a while and I was wondering if we were to meet at our regular spot this Thursday afternoon? I have a few things to go over with you, and perhaps a few miracles we could trade for a few temptations? Let me know so we can discuss the arrangement further. Pip pip.” 

The machine clicked after he hung up, noting that there was a new message. Crowley sunk lower into the bath and considered not coming back up. Would it really be that bad to discorporate now? At least it would put him out of commission for a while, and it would be a very convenient excuse as to why he couldn’t see Aziraphale without having to tell him anything. 

Bringing his head back up above the water he sighed. He knew he was going to have to face Aziraphale either way, and maybe it would be different this time. Maybe it wouldn’t hurt so bad to see him and speak with him. If only he could just learn to quash these feelings before it started to hurt too much. It always did hurt, so much, especially after meeting together. He knew he would linger, let Aziraphale talk him into a meal and drinks after at his bookshop. That he would overstay his welcome late into the evening and leave feeling more empty than when he had arrived. Was this actually what hell was? Not the place his head office occupied, but a state of constant hurt and a feeling of rejection. The absolute absence of love or care from the one he cared about _so much_. 

It was Sunday, so he had four days to come to grips with the situation before Thursday. He was certain he could manage to work up the courage to face Aziraphale in those four days. 

Crowley spent the rest of the day in a bit of a fugue state, mostly lazing about on the couch in the lounge incapable of thinking of much else to do, save wallow in his feelings for Aziraphale and remembering all the times the angel had dashed his hopes and heart across the sharp rocks of rejection. He did manage to sleep off and on, but his dreams were troubled and it was not a restful sleep. 

Monday dawned much too quickly for Crowley’s tastes. The light streaming in from his window had managed to rouse him from his sleep. With a huff, he rolled over and pulled the covers over his head, patently refusing to acknowledge that a new day had begun. Honestly, he didn’t have much to do, Hell had very few temptations they sent his way anymore since he was sending reports extolling how well he was doing as a field agent on earth, and all the thwarting of the Angel of the Eastern Gate he was doing. In reality, it had been a slow period of hearing from their respective head offices for both of them, so there wasn’t much to thwart, or really much of _anything_ to do. After several hours fighting to force himself back into the catatonic space of sleep, Crowley relented and got up to face the day. 

Things passed quickly enough, he went for a drive in the Bentley and made several pedestrians rue the day they chose to walk anywhere, as well as bedeviling several other drivers on the road. After that, he made his way back to his flat and threw himself wholly into caring for the plants. This ate up most of the rest of the day before he slunk his way back to his bed and curled up amongst the covers. Sleep came a touch easier than it had the previous evening. 

Tuesday passed without much incident, only the growing dread of knowing that he would soon be dealing with Aziraphale face to face, and that in itself was enough to have him pacing his office in front of his desk for most of the day and right into the evening. 

The dawn of the final day before he would have to meet with Aziraphale had his stomach in knots. _This is stupid_ he thought between the cramping in his gut. _There’s no reason for this, it’s only meeting with Aziraphale, same as it always is, was, and ever shall be_. The idea of it still did not set well with him. He knew what meeting with Aziraphale did to him, and he still didn’t feel particularly prepared for the feeling of emptiness he would be left with after they parted ways. 

Sighing, he resigned himself to the feelings he was having as something he would just have to brute force his way through. Making his way out of the bedroom, he sought to take some of it out on his plants, for lack of any more suitable targets on which to project his feelings onto.

He couldn’t do it. Thursday had arrived and he just could not face Aziraphale. He debated on completely unplugging his phone from the wall and turning his mobile off. Maybe he could pretend to be dead and then he wouldn’t have to face Aziraphale at all. 

_Maybe I should leave too, it wouldn’t do to have him show up on my doorstep._

Crowley paced the length of his office, shooting occasional glares at his plants to keep his mind off of the Aziraphale problem. Certainly the angel would forgive him if he came up with a convenient enough excuse. Perhaps a demonic emergency would have to drag him away, and there was just no way he could say no. After all, hell didn’t exactly send strongly worded letters when things that needed to get done didn’t get done. 

The phone rang and Crowley just about jumped out of his skin. He took a few steadying breaths before he picked up the phone and heard Aziraphale greet him on the other end of the line.

“Hello Crowley, you’re running a bit late. Is everything alright? I was wondering if we might grab a spot of lunch to discuss everything over rather than sitting in the park this afternoon. Much as I do enjoy the park, I have been feeling a bit peckish…” Aziraphale continued to prattle on over the line, but Crowley had stopped listening after being asked if he was alright. 

He wasn’t sure if he actually _was_ alright, he certainly felt the same as he always had, but was that really an alright thing? He wasn’t certain anymore. His thoughts began to unravel and he felt a bit dizzy from the realization that, maybe, feeling this way wasn’t the best thing for him. Maybe there was another way to handle all of this, if he could just put his finger…

“Crowley? Are you still there?” Aziraphale’s bright voice poured in from the other end of the line.

“Hmm? Oh, uh, yea… anywhere you want angel. I’ll be by in a bit.” 

“Yes, but Crow…” Crowley hung up the phone without letting Aziraphale finish his thought. 

Crowley took his time driving to the book shop, making sure to take the long way that would hit as many lights and stops as possible. Eventually, he was outside the very place he had been trying to avoid like the plague. He lingered as long as he could before slipping from the car and slinking towards the book shop doors. 

He slowly opened the door and peeked inside. There was no sign of Aziraphale in the front of the shop, and with the sign on the front flipped to closed, there were no customers either. He made his way further into the shop, shuffling as he went. His usual swagger was painfully absent as he slinked around the shop looking for Aziraphale while trying to avoid him all the same. 

Aziraphale was sitting in his back room, engrossed in some new acquisition. Without looking up, he addressed Crowley “Hello dear boy, I’ll only be but a moment. Why don’t you sit on the settee and have a small glass of wine. We can head out to lunch shortly.” He gave him a wave towards the sitting area and an open bottle of wine set on the low table in front of it. 

Crowley looked over to the bottle and decided that this was suddenly a _marvelous_ idea. If he was drunk, he reasoned, he wouldn’t have to think much at all about the feelings stirring deep inside his gut. He miracled himself up a large glass and tipped about a third of the bottle into it which he knocked back as quickly as he could before pouring himself more. Soon, the bottle was empty and Crowley could feel the pleasant haze of drunkenness distracting him from the problems of his day.

He saw Aziraphale turn from his book to address him. “Alright, I think I’m ready to… Oh dear, the whole bottle?” Crowley winced seeing a frown spring to his angel’s face. He didn’t want to upset him, he only wanted to dull his own thoughts from torturing him like they had for the previous four days. 

“Sorry, was so good, ngh, didn’t realize I had drunk tha… that... much…” He hoped Aziraphale wouldn’t press his reasoning. He hadn’t anticipated a line of questioning in his now much more open and loose state. This had perhaps been a mistake. 

“No, that’s alright. It is a lovely vintage, very sweet and easy to lose track of how much you’ve had. Did you want to order in for lunch then? There’s a lovely place around the corner that does a marvelous take away.” Aziraphale continued on as he produced a few small paper menus from somewhere in his desk. 

“I… uh… yea… take away… that’d be… uh…” Crowley was having a difficult time stringing words together through his haze. He didn’t really _want_ take-away, or even to be with Aziraphale at this moment. What he really wanted was to be back in his apartment brooding and avoiding this whole situation.

It was quiet for several heartbeats as Aziraphale looked at Crowley over the rim of his glasses. Crowley felt like Aziraphale could stare right into the depths of his soul with the way he was looking at him silent and questioning. 

“Would you like Indian, or Chinese then? I have two lovely little places that will deliver quick as a whistle.”

“Whatever you want, angel.”

A menu was quickly chosen, and an order for food placed. The wait for the delivery to show up was almost worse than making his way over to the shop to begin with. At least on his way over he had time to himself, but now he was forced to awkwardly sit drunk in Aziraphale’s back room with him puttering about making _small talk_.

Crowley gave a snap of his fingers and more alcohol appeared on the table in front of him. In his current intoxicated state, he figured that maybe more alcohol would help to take the edge off of his feelings. This was perhaps not the smartest idea he had ever had, but currently he thought it rather ingenious. 

“Oh, more wine? Do you mind if I help myself a bit while we wait for the food, dear?”

Crowley gave a shrug as he poured himself a generous helping. He settled back into his seat, taking more time this go around to sip his drink a bit more slowly.

Aziraphale poured himself a small helping of the wine and settled in, giving the ruby liquid a chance to breathe. Before he could really settle in and begin sipping from his glass, there was a rapping at the door of the shop. “Oh! It seems the food is here, be back in a tick.” and with a smile, Aziraphale disappeared to the front of the shop.

With the angel out of sight, Crowley quickly knocked back what was still in his glass and refilled it. He was really struggling with being stuck in this close of a proximity to Aziraphale, in _private,_ no less. At least when they met in the park, there were humans floating about to help break the tension. Plus the added perception of their respective sides keeping an eye on them to help the meeting stay brief and proper. Then he could more easily extricate himself and not have to deal with the tiresome positivity that Aziraphale had seemed to be broadcasting over the last few decades. 

As quickly as he had disappeared, Aziraphale was returning with bags of food in his arms. Crowley sat back and watched him as he unwrapped the food and set the little take out boxes on the table. Between the drink and his feelings, Crowley was adrift in thought as he watched Aziraphale’s careful ministrations. After settling back into his place with some food, Aziraphale set Crowley with a thoughtful stare. 

“Whatever _is_ the matter dear? You look like you’re about to discorporate this very moment.” 

“Nothing, angel, just eat your food.” Crowley muttered, taking another mouthful of his wine and gulping it down.

“Are you certain? Maybe you just need to try a bit of this food, it really is quite lovely.” With that, Aziraphale held out a spoon piled high with some sort of curry. 

“ ‘m not hungry, ‘ziraphale.” Crowley made a waving motion at the spoon trying to convince Aziraphale to recall his extended utensil. 

“Crowley… please tell me what’s wrong? You seem so distant lately.”

Crowley could see a mild flash of concern pass over Aziraphale’s face and he couldn’t bear it anymore. Before he could stop himself, the words bubbled up and spilled over, escaping his mouth before he could stop them.

“Because I love you! And you… you… don’t love me. How could you? I’m a demon after all, forever damned and cast out! I don’t deserve love anyways, only to be used. To tempt and corrupt, that’s all I am and all I can be _apparently_!” The tears welled up in his eyes unbidden. He didn’t want it to be like this, and he certainly didn’t want Aziraphale to see him this way. 

There were several minutes of shocked silence hanging in the room before he did the only thing he could think to do: he ran.

“C...Crowley! Wait! Where are you…!” Aziraphale’s voice faded as Crowley gained distance. It didn’t matter that the angel called after him, he couldn’t be there anymore. Not after he had opened his mouth and let the worst spill forth from his soul. The idea of being there just to have Aziraphale crush his heart all over again was unbearable.

Making it to the Bentley, he barely paused as he threw the door open, getting in, and firing up the engine. He didn’t know where he was going to go, but he had to get as much distance from Aziraphale as he could manage, and as quickly as possible. 

His mobile rang and he threw it away from him like the thing was made of holy water and burning his skin. He couldn’t talk to him, not now, not when he felt like he couldn’t even breathe. If he could discorporate right now, that would be exactly what he would do to escape everything that had just come to pass. 

He had never intended to confess his feelings to Aziraphale, keeping them to himself all this time had been safe. So long as he didn’t share those feelings with anyone, he could deny that they existed, he held the power in every situation that way. Then he would find someone willing to use him, and he could forget the ache in his chest for a while. 

He needed a drink. Or several. Something to help steady his nerves after such a catastrophe. 

He made it to the opposite end of London before pausing to go into a pub for a drink. Crowley had no intention of going back to his flat tonight, lest Aziraphale decide that he needed to talk to him some more and turned up unannounced. The idea of the angel doing that made Crowley’s face flush. 

_Why did I have to go and do that then?_ He thought as he procured a bottle of whiskey and a glass from the barman. Making his way to an unoccupied corner booth in the back of the pub, hidden away from plain sight, he settled in. 

Pouring the whiskey, he filled the glass to the top. There was no reason to pretend that he wasn’t going to drink this entire bottle and pour proper portions. The goal was to get as drunk as he possibly could and get out of London. He still wasn’t certain where he would actually _go_ once he was out of the city’s limits, but anywhere was better than here at this point. 

His phone began to buzz in his pocket again. He had almost hoped that it had been destroyed when he threw it in the car, but it had only landed on the soft surface of the seat instead, seemingly to mock him with the growing list of missed calls from Aziraphale’s number. 

Crowley wasn’t altogether certain why Aziraphale kept trying to ring him and leave messages, up to 12 now according to the counter on the home screen, he certainly was not going to answer his phone, not while everything was still so raw and fresh in his mind. He could imagine the sorts of things those messages said now… all of the admonishments and confirmation that of course he could never love Crowley. Aziraphale was above loving a demon, or even paying him any sort of romantic interest. 

He was about halfway through the bottle by now, and the world was getting progressively more fuzzy and soft. Maybe even perhaps a bit more warm. Thoughts started springing into his brain completely unbidden. Moments from the past, times when he thought Aziraphale could have loved him. He shook his head, those sorts of ideas were ridiculous and exactly why after each encounter Crowley had slunk off to punish himself for even thinking that Aziraphale would give him the time of day, let alone affection. 

After a day like this, he may seek out a few humans to work him over, wherever he ended up. Maybe he could find a kink club somewhere outside the city and check out while submitting to whatever the humans wanted to do with him. 

His phone buzzed again, and he gave it a cursory glance. 18 messages now, just how much yelling was Aziraphale doing to fill up his voicemail this much? 

_Whatever,_ he thought as he downed the rest of the bottle and stumbled out of the booth towards the door of the pub. Staggering out into the street, he made a beeline for the Bentley. 

He managed to get into his car and behind the wheel before the hazy thought that he should probably sober up just a touch before driving. With a shake of his head and a snap of his fingers, he sobered up enough to concentrate on driving, but not enough to rid him of his buzz. 

_I can drink more when I get… Wherever I get._ His thoughts were scattered as he sped down the crowded London streets as the roads cleared almost miraculously to make way for him. He drove for hours and finally found his way into York. He took a room at a small B&B before heading out into the night to find a pub to lose himself in.

Perhaps he would find some receptive humans to lose himself in as well.

Making his way down the small cobblestone streets and past Romanruins, he pulled out his phone to look it over. He was up to fifty messages now, and his inbox was full. This hadn’t stopped Aziraphale apparently, because his phone began to buzz in his hand with a new incoming call. Crowley completely silenced the device as he made his way into the pub. 

A few hours later, Crowley was _properly_ blind drunk. He barely remembered his own name when he spilled out into the street and made his way back to his B&B. 

Crashing through the door of his room, he fell onto the bed. With a snap of his fingers, the door was shut and latched behind him. He pulled out his phone and looked at the screen. 

“Wazzat… Fifty mes’ges…? Wuz tha’ about?” He mumbled to himself as he unlocked his screen. Navigating to the voicemail box, he scrolled to the bottom and pressed play on the first message.

Aziraphale’s panicked voice crashed through the phone speakers and rattled Crowley’s addled brain as the words filled his ears.

“Crowley! Come back, we can talk about this! Please… I… Please come back…” Crowley’s drunken brain couldn’t quite understand why Aziraphale sounded so sad and hurt. 

Scrolling to another, with no attention given to the order of the messages he was listening to, he pressed play once more. 

“Crowley, pick up your phone. I’m worried about you, you’ve been gone for the whole day. I checked at your flat and all of the usual places and it’s as if you’ve vanished. Please dear boy, pick. Up. Your. Phone.” It sounded to Crowley like he was...crying? But why would Aziraphale be crying? Crowley had gone off plenty of times without getting this sort of reaction from Aziraphale. Maybe if he listened to more messages he would figure it out.

The next message met Crowley with sniffling before any words came out. The tears were obvious in Aziraphale’s wavering voice as he spoke. “Crowley… I know you’re scared… I know we have our history with this but… please… if not for yourself, then maybe… maybe for me…? Please Crowley, I need to hear you… I need to know you’re alright… It’s difficult for me to find you at this distance… I know you’re out there… Somewhere… Please ring me back…”

Crowley blinked blearily at his phone as the message ended. There was a hazy feeling at the back of his brain as he tried to remember what Aziraphale could possibly be talking about. At this point, he barely remembered where he was or how he got there, let alone the reasons that lead up to his flight from London. There was a small feeling though that he didn’t _want_ to sober up and face that knowledge. Staying oblivious and fuzzy was far more preferable to cold realities right now. He had plenty of those to deal with, and all the time in the world with which to deal with them. 

What he did do, however, was navigate his way to the contacts of his phone and hover his thumb over Aziraphale’s name on the list. Squeezing his eyes shut tight, he pressed his thumb down and heard the faint ringing tone of a phone not yet placed on speaker mode. 

The voice on the other end of the line was sullen as it answered “A.Z. Fell and Company, Antiquarian and Unusual Books, how may I help you?”

Crowley was silent for several beats, taken aback by the defeated sound in Aziraphale’s voice on the other end of the line. It was only after several times of Aziraphale saying “Hello? _Hello?_ May I help you?” that his brain caught up with him.

“Angel…” Crowley slurred into the phone only to be met with a hitched breath and a hiccup on the other end of the line.

“Crow… Crowley…? Crowley, I was so worried! Are you… are you alright…?” There was an overwhelming sense of relief broadcast over the line with a fresh welling of tears quite audible in Aziraphale’s stilted breathing as he tried to form words and complete sentences. 

“‘Courssse ‘m alright, why wouldn’t I be ‘lright?” The more he spoke, the more apparent it became that he was completely and utterly knackered. 

“Are you _drunk_?!” Came the answer from the other end of the line.

“N… ngk… no…?” Lies were definitely not Crowley’s strong suit in his current state of intoxication, especially not with Aziraphale who had known him far too long to let something like that pass.

A sigh and then, “Well, at least you’re alright. You had me so worried my dear, running off like that without another word. We really do need to discuss this, and I’d like to do so in person. Where are you? I can be on my way to you shortly.”

“I… I don’t know… Don’t ‘member much ‘fter th’ pub…” Crowley could feel his eyes beginning to grow heavy, tired from the events of the day and all the drinking he did. He knew he could solve the lot with a simple miracle, but something deep inside himself didn’t want to see him solve this with a bit of magic, it wanted him to face the consequences of his actions. 

“Well we can try to narrow it down, which way did you drive when you left London?”

“N… North… I think…?”

“Alright, well, you can’t have gotten too far what with the traffic, even if you do drive at ridiculous speeds.”

“Ngk”

“What do you see around you? Where are you staying?” 

“Isssa bed an’ breakfassst, sssomewhere sssmall.” All his drinking had not helped Crowley much in the slurring of his speech, or the serpentine nature of his tongue when he spoke.

“I’m afraid that doesn’t quite help to narrow it down much my dear. You said north, and you took the road? Was it off of the main motorway, or was it a bit off of the road?”

Crowley could feel himself beginning to drift in and out of consciousness as Aziraphale attempted to play 20 questions to find his location. He must have dozed a bit because soon he was being awoken to shouts from the other end of the line. 

“Crowley! Crowley, are you alright? Talk to me!”

“Ngh… ngk… ‘m here, jusss v’ry tired. Can we talk in th’ mornin? Wanna sssleep…” Crowley found himself curling up in the sheets on his bed and drifting in between consciousness and sleep. 

“I… alright dear, so long as you’re safe… If you don’t answer your phone in the morning though, I’m going to use every miracle at my disposal to find you. No matter what it takes.” 

That was the last Crowley heard as he fell fast asleep. 

It was not a restful night. Crowley tossed and turned being jolted awake every few hours crying out for Aziraphale then drifting back off into the realm of Morpheus. Every time he started a new dream, it inevitably ended the same way: with him losing Aziraphale forever after facing yet another rejection. 

At nine in the morning he jolted awake once more, but this time he stayed awake mulling over this last dream. This time Aziraphale had flat out rejected him and refused to ever speak with him again. He then made a return to heaven and requested a replacement be sent in his stead so that he would never have to deal with Crowley again. 

Crowley shook his head a few times, the effect of the previous night’s drinking lingering in his head causing it to pound. With a quick snap of his fingers, the hangover was gone, but he was still left with his thoughts. The conversation yesterday with Aziraphale was a bit spotty in his head, but he did at least remember that he had promised to ring Aziraphale back today. If only to let him know that he was alright. 

He picked up his mobile and quickly pressed Aziraphale’s name in his contact list. The line rang through to the shop, and Aziraphale picked up with his usual business greeting. 

“It’s me, I’m fine, I’ll be heading home soon and maybe we can talk after that. Does that work for you?”

“I’m glad to hear about your return to London and that you’re far more sober than last night. Please don’t drive too terribly fast?”

“Of course, angel.”

Crowley did a reasonable double the speed limit all the way back to London proper. 

The first thing Crowley did was to head back to his flat and try to digest the previous 24 hours. He couldn’t believe that after 6000 years, he had finally messed up enough to admit how he felt about Aziraphale, and to the angel’s face no less. Now that the cat was out of the proverbial bag, he did have to admit that he felt a bit like a weight had been lifted from his chest. 

He had been drowning himself in human abuse for so many centuries, at this point what would one final rejection from Aziraphale be? Maybe after the angel turned him away one final time he could go back to hell and do everything in his power that the last 6000 years had even happened. 

He made his way back down to the Bentley and climbed in. The way over to Aziraphale’s bookshop was terribly short by car, especially if you paid no mind to the posted speed. In short order he was knocking on the door with its sign flipped to ‘closed’ and Aziraphale was pulling him into the building. 

What happened next was not something he had prepared himself for. Aziraphale pulled him into a tight embrace exclaiming about how worried he was, and please don’t run off again. 

Crowley was frozen to the spot. He suddenly didn’t know what to do with his hands, or even how to respond to the things that were coming out of Aziraphale’s mouth. Aziraphale must have sensed the tension in his body, because he was suddenly released with an apology. 

“So sorry dear boy, I’m sure you don’t want a hug from me right now, I was just so worried… Seeing you back here and in one piece, I just couldn’t… help myself…” Aziraphale gave a little cough and made a motion to the back room. 

Crowley followed without a word, still in a bit of shock from the previous several moments. 

“Can I get you anything? Something to drink or…?” Aziraphale fidgeted with a nervous energy that permeated the area once they reached the back room. It seemed he didn’t know what to do with his hands either, as he smoothed them down his thighs while he spoke. 

“No, I… I think I’ve drunk enough lately…” Crowley couldn’t bring himself to meet Aziraphale’s eyes and see only worry, or worse, pity there. 

He caught Aziraphale in his periphery give a nod and motioned for him to sit at his usual place. 

Crowley fell into the settee without so much as a glance and crumpled into himself. He held his head in his hands and tried to quickly think of how he could even begin to explain the events of the last 24 hours to Aziraphale. He felt the couch cushion sink down next to him with the weight of another presence and heard the whisper of a sigh. 

“Take your time, I know it must be hard for you to talk about, but I would really appreciate some sort of reasoning for what has been going on lately. You just haven’t seemed like your usual self.” Aziraphale finished his sentence and Crowley could feel him sinking further back into the settee, apparently settling in for as long a wait as would be necessary. 

Crowley gave a deep sigh and braced himself for this very necessary conversation. He secretly hoped it wouldn’t ruin his relationship with Aziraphale forever.

“I… I just… Dealing with everything just was too hard, so I left. That seemed like the easiest thing to do.” Crowley still couldn’t bring himself to meet Aziraphale’s eyes as he spoke.

“But what is everything? I’m sorry, I just want to understand why you left and what I can do to help.” Crowley could feel shifting in the seat next to him. He sighed and continued to explain.

“I never meant to admit how I felt, and especially not like that. I just…” His eyes stung as he continued his explanation and he curled into his body, wrapping himself in his arms and turned away from Aziraphale. 

He felt a hand rest on his shoulder and give a light squeeze. In that moment, Crowley felt torn between pulling away and sinking into Aziraphale. He chose instead to sit there frozen to the spot and continue on with his explanation. 

“I… over the last… ngk… I’ve… I’ve loved you for a very long time… and I just… I knew you wouldn’t… _couldn’t_ … love me back.” His voice shook through the confession, and trying to keep his sentences coherent was a struggle. 

“So I… I chose to bury it all. I took my feelings and found humans to… to distract me. I guess distract isn’t quite the right word. More like punish…” He winced with the admission of the things he had gotten up to after all this time after he left Aziraphale’s presence.

“Punish? What do you mean by... punish?” The concern and alarm thick in Aziraphale’s voice made Crowley visibly wince as though he had been slapped across the face. This conversation was honestly more punishment than he had ever begged a human to inflict on him.

“I would just… I would find humans to… to… use me…” Crowley could hear his voice getting weak and trembling with every step forward he took into his explanation. The stinging in his eyes grew more intense as tears threatened to cascade down his cheeks. 

“Use… you…? For… for what? Frivolous miracles? Some sort of demonic blessings?” The concern in Aziraphale’s voice reached a fever pitch, and Crowley couldn’t quite believe how dense the angel could really be when it came to matters such as this.

“No, no… nothing like that. More like using my body for whatever they wanted to take. Mostly they used me for their own pleasure…” Crowley trailed off and was silent for a long time. The tears finally came, unbidden, and streamed down his face and neck. He stayed firmly turned away from Aziraphale hoping that he wouldn’t notice what a state he was in.

“Oh… OH… oh my dear… Why would you… You don’t deserve to be… to be _used_ like that. You deserve to be cared for and loved, not abused.” Crowley felt Aziraphale withdraw his hand from his shoulder. He was certain that Aziraphale found him disgusting, completely and absolutely beyond forgiveness or redemption.

Crowley braced himself for what came next, the rejection, being told that he was to be cast out, never to return. The words that came next completely threw his world sideways.

“May I hold you, my dear? If it would help? I won’t pretend to know the suffering you’ve been through, but you certainly seem to need some understanding and comfort now.” 

Stunned, Crowley sat for several heartbeats before slowly nodding. He was quickly enveloped from behind and drawn back into Aziraphale’s warmth. 

“I’m so sorry you were led to feel this way, my dear. And I am _especially_ sorry for my role in causing you to feel this way. My worry about what Heaven might do if they found out… Well, obviously my worry and efforts to keep you at arms length for safety did far more harm than good.” Crowley felt Aziraphale hold him a bit tighter as if to punctuate his meaning.

“I just… I thought…” Crowley let the tears come freely now, in his wildest dreams he never could have imagined this sort of ending.

“I promise you that we will take our time to work through this together. Only ever as fast or as slow as you want to go my dear boy. You have only to say the word and I will stop everything and tend to what you need.” The sincerity in the angel’s voice brought forth so many emotions, Crowley could only but nod his assent silently.

They sat and talked for a very long time, well into the late night and early the next morning. Crowley felt the weight of the world lift from his shoulders, and couldn’t help the occasional bouts of hiccuping and sobbing that accompanied the waves of realizations that Aziraphale loved him just as much as he loved him in return. 

It wasn’t immediate, and it certainly didn’t happen that night. Emotions were running too high for Crowley to even process everything that had happened. But the companionship and light touches helped to keep him grounded. As the days and weeks wore on, he found himself spending more and more time in Azirpahale’s presence. As he had promised, things went slow and only at a pace Crowley was comfortable with. He had spent so long being used by the humans around him, that now that the angel, _his_ angel, was being ever so patient with his emotional healing he couldn’t really see that this was reality. 

When he was finally ready, he still couldn’t believe that this was happening after all this time. Something that he had fantasized about and silently prayed for, and oh, it was like being let back into the gates of heaven. Aziraphale’s soft body pressed against his and held him steady as the angel placed little kisses on his neck in the back room of the bookshop. 

“Oh angel…” he sobbed out as Aziraphale kept spoiling him with kisses. 

“Hush now dear, there’s nothing that you need to fear anymore. I’m here, I’ll always be here.” with that, Aziraphale pressed another kiss tenderly to Crowley’s temple. 

Crowley melted into the kiss and allowed his hands to wander the expanse of Aziraphale’s back, smoothing his hands across the well worn fabric of his vest.

Crowley mumbled into Aziraphale’s neck something about him having on far too many layers which pulled a deep rumbling chuckle from the other being.

“Would you like if we moved this to somewhere a bit more comfortable, and I’ll remove a few of these pesky layers then?” He fixed Crowley with a warm smile that gave just a hint of mischievousness.

Crowley took Aziraphale’s hand and pulled him up to make their way to the small bedroom in the private quarters of the shop. He crowded the angel through the door and latched it shut behind him.

“Alright, off with the vest then, and maybe the shirt too?” A heavy blush spread across Crowley’s cheeks as he gave Aziraphale a quick up and down glance.

“Anything you’d like, my dear.” and with that, Aziraphale removed his vest and hung it on a hanger waiting on his wardrobe. The bow tie and his shirt quickly followed leaving him in just an undershirt and his trousers. “Well? What else would you like?” Aziraphale gave a teasing glance before leaning back against the foot of the bed. 

“For now? This is perfect, angel, join me on the bed?” with that, Crowley sauntered just past his companion and laid down on the bed, patting the empty space next to him to invite him to join. 

Aziraphale took his spot on the bed, and Crowley immediately slotted himself against him. Hands began to roam from both sides as lips found skin, placing kisses and gentle nips. A small groan escaped Aziraphale’s lips as Crowley slid his hand beneath the undershirt he was wearing. His hand traveled up skimming past his belly and cupping his breast. 

“Crowley… are you certain? I’m happy to continue on, my dear, but at any point if you want to stop _please_ tell me.” Aziraphale set him with a very serious gaze before moving any further. 

“Yes, I’m sure, please angel just _fuck_ me already.” Crowley gave him a smirk and lightly bit into his shoulder. 

Aziraphale gave a soft moan before tugging at the hem of Crowley’s shirt. The shirt was quickly discarded to one side of the bed before Aziraphale attacked Crowley’s bared chest with his mouth, allowing his hands to roam over the warm skin trailing where his mouth had been.

“A...angel…” Crowley could feel the blush rise to his face and spread through his body as he moaned the pet name. His hands came up to hide his face as another moan was torn from his throat. The sensation suddenly stopped causing Crowley to peek through his fingers.

Aziraphale was smiling down at him before coming close to his ear and whispering “Please take your hands away from your face, love, I want to see how beautiful you look when I make you feel good.”

“Ngk…” Crowley felt suddenly more naked than he ever had as he pulled his hands away from his face slowly. He gripped the sheet on the bed to help ground himself as Aziraphale fixed him with another beaming smile, sliding his hand down his body to ghost over his straining cock. Crowley let out a needy whimper at that and gripped the sheets ever tighter into his fists. 

“Still alright, dearest?” Aziraphale had paused his movements and withdrawn his hand to hover right where Crowley needed it the most. 

“Please…” Crowley pled as he bucked his hips to try and meet Aziraphale’s hand. He wanted nothing more than for Aziraphale to keep touching him and never stop. Aziraphale obliged him and brought his hand down to stroke at the inside of Crowley’s thighs. 

“You’re so beautiful like this, Crowley. What would you like me to do? I want to make you feel absolutely _perfect_.” The praise and the want in his voice made Crowley melt further into the bed. It took him a long few minutes before he could even begin to articulate anything. He wasn’t terribly good at asking for what he needed, let alone what he wanted. 

“Can… can we just… lose all of the clothes and just cuddle for now?” He wanted so much more, but this was a first step in what he was certain would be a long night full of many activities. 

With a snap from Aziraphale they were both nude as the day they were created. Aziraphale laid back and beckoned Crowley with his open arms. “Come here dear, let me warm you up a bit.” 

With a soft smile, Crowley slithered into Aziraphale’s arms and closely embraced him. Their bodies slid against each other, the quick and sudden friction against each of their efforts caused a small gasp to escape from between both of their lips. Aziraphale gave a kiss to the top of Crowley’s head where it nestled into the side of his neck and held him just a bit more tightly.

“I love you, you know. Nothing will ever stop that, or take that away from us again.” The murmured confession into Crowley’s ear sent shivers up and down his spine. 

“Love you too, angel.” was all he could manage to mutter in reply in the moment, but the words held the weight of the universe in them. Aziraphale pulled Crowley back slightly from where his face was tucked and met his eyes with an intensity that caused him to squirm. 

“May I touch you, my dear?” Aziraphale seemed to wait with baited breath after the request.

Crowley gave a huff “I would say you’re touching a lot of me right now.” He let a sly smirk dance across his lips.

“You know what I mean, dear, I’d like to touch all of you and bring your pleasure to new heights as it were.” The glint in Aziraphale’s eye seemed to promise Crowley so much more than the words that were spoken.

“However you want me, angel.” With his assent, Crowley could feel Aziraphale’s hand trail down over his stomach and wrapping his fingers firmly around his cock. Crowley couldn’t help but quake and let out a rasping moan at the contact. He scrabbled to try and take hold of Aziraphale in turn, but found his hands firmly pushed away.

“No darling, tonight is for you. Don’t worry about my pleasure, I want to spoil you and make you feel good. Relax and just let me _take care_ of you.” 

The tears were back in Crowley’s eyes as he felt Aziraphale begin to pump his fist rhythmically causing him to writhe with the overwhelmingly pleasurable sensation. Gasping and panting, he felt as though he couldn’t get his breathing right. His entire being was consumed by the sensations and his angel whispering encouragement and praise into his ear. 

“Ngk… A-angel… I’m going to…” and with that it was over almost as soon as it had begun. Crowley came whimpering into Aziraphale’s shoulder, vision completely unfocused and body going limp.

“You did so well for me love, let me clean you up and get you comfortable.” With a snap Aziraphale miracled a warm washcloth and helped to clean Crowley up. He was sensitive, but still relished in the attention he was being paid and the care he was shown. After he was cleaned, he was tucked into bed with pillows piled all around him.

“Be back in just a tick, I’m going to put on some tea.” and with that, Aziraphale slipped out of the room leaving Crowley with his thoughts. 

He couldn’t believe just how well things had worked out. Truly, he could not have asked for a better outcome to his drunken confession and subsequent tirade through the English countryside. All he really wanted to do at this point was to repay the favor to Aziraphale and make him feel good too, but the angel was right, he should allow himself to be taken care of at least once in a while. 

His eyes grew heavy as he laid in the bed growing warm and cozy under the duvet. He found himself drifting off and the next thing he knew he was awaking several hours later with the weight of his angel cuddled next to him, a cup of tea in one hand and a book in the other.

“Hello dear, awake again so soon? I thought you would be asleep at least until morning.” Aziraphale fixed him with the warmest smile that caused him to melt all the more. 

“Mmm, well, I guess I just needed a nap before returning the favor I so graciously received earlier.” He said as he wrapped an arm around his lover’s waist.

“Oh, is that so? I feel like you could do with a bit more spoiling myself. Perhaps you’ll indulge my purely selfish whims?” Aziraphale placed a kiss on the top of his head and nuzzled into his hair. 

“Well… when you put it like that angel, how could I deny your hedonistic nature? It is inspiring an angel to commit a sin after all.” Crowley said with a playful lilt to his voice. 

“So glad you agree, my perfect little demon.” and with that, the tea and the book were set aside before Crowley was once again enveloped in his angel’s embrace.


End file.
